


Plans C Through... Well, He's Bound to Figure It Out Eventually, Right?

by Nicnac



Series: The Friendship Plan [2]
Category: Smallville
Genre: Crack, Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-08-19
Updated: 2013-02-24
Packaged: 2017-11-12 11:00:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 24
Words: 3,481
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/490149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nicnac/pseuds/Nicnac
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Lex may be missing the point here... repeatedly.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Plan C: LotR

**Plan C**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Lord of the Rings_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Hire evil wizard. Have wizard create a Ring of Doom. If wizard is incapable of metal work, have goldsmith create the ring, and then wizard enchant it. Procure volcano surrounded by desolate land. If no satisfactory volcano can be found then consider creating one from hot spot on ocean floor. Build tower near volcano. Have evil wizard lurk there. Convince Clark of the need to throw Ring of Doom into volcano and the necessity of approaching on foot to avoid detection by evil wizard. Have epic journey together. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Aquaman and wife objected _strongly_ to the aquatic life being killed by artificial volcano and island creation. Additionally Clark, when shown Ring of Doom, melted it with his heat vision.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Heat vision burns as hot as lava. Fish-woman is terrifying.


	2. Plan D: Harry Potter

**Plan D**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Harry Potter_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Procuretroll. Kidnap the least offensive of Clark’s female companions.  Lock troll and distressed damsel up together in bathroom of _The Daily Planet_. “Happen” to stop by _The Planet_. Hear distressed sounds coming from bathroom. Work with Clark to take down the troll. Secure friendship. If at all possible, avoid forming friendship with distressed damsel.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Due to sizing issues had to use a juvenile troll instead of full-grown one. Chloe managed to subdue the troll (!?!) before she could be saved by self and Clark. Clark was upset by endangerment of his co-workers and kidnapping of his friend. Additionally, was accused of developing a habit of displacing/harming wildlife.

 

 **Additional Notes:** In future, distressed damsel role should be filled by Cat Grant. Lois Lane may be used as an absolute last resort. Avoid plans that might hurt other people or animals. Build shrink ray.


	3. Plan E: Narnia

**Plan E**

 

 **Inspiration:** _The Chronicles of Narnia_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Find enchanted tree, preferably apple. If enchanted tree can’t be found, hire neutral to benevolent magician to enchant one. Cut down tree. Build wardrobe. Travel through wardrobe into magic country. Come back from enchanted country and convince Clark the people there need our help. Over-throw evil witch running country. Be instated as kings by animal deity. Don’t get angry if Clark is named High King. Rule for years before coming back un-aged and no time having passed. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Despite multiple attempts, was only ever able to get to one other land. Land was not being oppressed by evil witch and people seemed content. Additionally land was so cute it would give sugar a cavity. Would not want to rule this land for any length of time anyway.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Even when not interdimensional portal, wardrobe is significantly larger on the inside than outside. Keep the wardrobe, repurpose closet back into mid-sized sitting room. 


	4. Plan F: YuGiOh

**Plan F**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Yu-Gi-Oh! Duel Monsters_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Learn to play a children’s card game, preferably Duel Monsters, but any strategy based card game is acceptable. Challenge Clark to a duel. Behave as obnoxiously as possible. Lose when Clark draws exactly the right card at the last second. Learn a valuable lesson about friendship, trust, faith, etc. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Clark is horrible at strategy card games. Beat him three times before he got bored. Additionally, he did not give a single speech on the power of friendship or the heart of the cards.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Card game is less fun without holograms. Contrariwise, it is much easier to play with consistent and straight forward rule set. 


	5. Plan G: Finding Nemo

**Plan G**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Finding Nemo_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Buy ticket to Australia. Give to Conner. Assure Conner I will tell Clark where he will be. “Forget” to do so. When Conner turns up “missing” offer to help Clark look. Go on epic journey to find son/brother/clone/family member. Locate Conner. Rejoice. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure in primary objective. Success in unrelated objectives (see notes)

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Did not tell Conner of plan for fear of him telling Clark. Conner called Clark regularly to check in. Clark was pissed I forgot to tell him about Conner’s trip. Mercy’s distant observation was also deemed inadequate supervision.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Conner enjoyed Australia. Am now considered the “cool” parent and Conner is open to further involvement in his life. Conner also appears very responsible, re: phone calls to check in. Both classified as parenting successes. For more information see the “Be a Good Dad” plan book. 


	6. Plan H: Glee

**Plan H**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Glee_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Learn lyrics to assorted popular songs, mostly contemporary, but a mix of others as well. Convince Clark to join singing group. Gather enough people to fill out numbers. Avoid anyone who isn’t worth the risk of becoming friends with. Enter into competition. Throw together song and dance number at last minute. Relative success in competition is unimportant. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Clark refused to join singing group, citing lack of singing and dancing capability. Was able to convince Clark to show me his abilities in private. Clark was right. Ears might be bleeding.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Keep an eye on Clark’s singing. Distinct possibility of it developing into Clark’s next super-power. The world would be doomed.


	7. Plan I: Wizard of Oz

**Plan I**

 

 **Inspiration:** _The_ _Wizard of Oz_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Buy smallish house in the middle of Kansas farmlands. Mansion, even if repaired, is too large. Wait for tornado season. Stay in house. When tornado hits, don’t go into storm cellar. Once house gets picked up, call for Clark’s help so he is forced to Oz as well. Try to negotiate non-sparkly slippers in black or purple. If bright red is the only option, make Clark wear them. Epic journey to Emerald City. Epic journey to Evil Witch's house; bring water. Return to Emerald City. Return to Kansas. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Tornado did not pick up house. Tornado did rip the roof off and knock me around. Was saved by Clark regardless. Clark was pissed at lack of adequate tornado safety.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Clark still worried about my physical well-being. Probably a positive sign. Oz might not exist.  Alternatively, retry with a Cairn Terrier. 


	8. Plan J: Captain Planet

**Plan J**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Captain Planet and the Planeteers_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Skip the magic rings. There aren’t three more acceptable people to join the group. Also, one super-powered humanoid in blue, red, and yellow is more than sufficient. Find a company with blatantly horrible environmental policies. Convince Clark to team up and go eco-terrorist on them. Save planet. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Apparently Clark doesn’t “do” terrorism anymore. Was not pleased that I wanted to as well, but agreed not to stop me. Said something about “double-standards.” AC and Fish-woman got wind of my plan. Company chosen is notorious in their kingdom for polluting the ocean. Am now “friend of Atlantis.”

 

 **Additional Notes:** AC is about as interesting as drying paint. Fish-woman is equally as terrifying when friend as enemy. Must find a way to end friendship without enraging her. Eco-terrorism is fun.


	9. Plan K: Buffy

**Plan K**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Buffy the Vampire Slayer_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Collect vampire hunting paraphernalia, including stakes, holy water, crosses, and a lint roller. Find a Hellmouth. Gotham probably has one, but Bat is likely to object, check Cleveland. Bring Clark to Hellmouth and hunt vampires. Lint roll vampire dust off. Offer to share lint roller to prove graciousness. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Clark insisted on talking to vampires first to makes sure they were evil. Vampire bit Clark. Vampire broke teeth. Vampire ran off into night. By the time caught up – Clark went at my speed – vampire had been decapitated by two guys. Were told to leave “hunting” to the experts. Clark apologized for interfering and made us leave.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Vampire did not explode into dust when killed. Have Mercy find out two guys’ real names and phone number. Call them next time demon or monster shows up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't want to skip over Buffy or Supernatural, but at the same time it seemed redundant to do both. I hope this combo meets with everyone's approval!


	10. Plan L: Sherlock

**Plan L**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Sherlock Holmes_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Read assorted mystery novels and watch mystery shows to learn the various tricks. Brush up on violin playing to help cement role as Sherlock over Watson. Go out and find mysteries. Use combination of my intellect and Clark’s ~~nosiness~~ luck and supervisions to solve crimes. Become even more famous. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Elaborate mysteries less common than fiction would have one believe. Also, cops, despite being bribe-able, are reasonably competent at solving crimes themselves. Got mad at us for trying to do their job. Clark apologized for interfering and made us leave, again.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Remembered why I hate the violin.


	11. Plan M: Treasure Island

**Plan M**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Treasure Island_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Procure suitable island; consider landscaping one from Plan C. Plant treasure on the island. Hire someone to be “marooned” on island. Hire some “pirates.” Buy a ship. Create treasure map. Convince Clark to come find treasure. Convince Clark of need to go by ship (?). Let pirates mutiny (give them blue kryptonite?). With help of marooned islander re-mutiny. Recover treasure. Split treasure between everyone left. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure in primary objective. Successes cross-indexed in BaGD plan book

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Clark had important article was working on and said was too busy to go treasure hunting. Suggested I take AC instead. At incredulous look changed suggestion to Conner. Was deemed acceptable substitute.

 

 **Additional Notes:** Conner wanted to drink rum to get “real pirate experience.” When told no, assured me that alcohol does not affect him. Need to have a serious conversation with Clark about his parenting. 


	12. Plan N: Star Trek

**Plan N**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Star Trek_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Develop FTL engine. Appeal to Fortress AI or GL for information on FTL travel. Build a spaceship. Tempt Clark (and Conner) with the possibility of finding more Kryptonians. Travel space. Discover new worlds. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Pending indefinitely, temporarily deemed failure

 

 **Reason for Delay/Failure:** Could not get information about FTL. AI refused to help citing “Kal-El cannot be allowed to leave Earth until he has established himself as ruler.” GL claimed the Lantern Corp had a policy against teaching FTL travel to civilizations that don’t have it yet. Further persuasion on both fronts proved inadequate. Project deemed too time-consuming for further personal involvement, but LexCorp scientists continue working on development.

 

 **Additional Notes:** AI is a bad influence. Need to find a way to fix world conquering inclinations or prevent Clark and Conner from interacting with it. Taunting GL with bananas, pencils, school buses, etc. is considered torture even if GL wasn’t actually being hurt. 


	13. Plan O: Dragon Ball

**Plan O**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Dragon Ball_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Create seven fist-sized orange balls with red stars, one with one star, one with two, one with three, etc. Put a GPS tracking device in each of them. Have Mercy hide them. Arrange for dragon to appear when all dragon balls brought together. Look into holograms that working on developing (see Plan F) or, if technology isn’t ready, consider talking to Martian Manhunter. Go on journey to find dragon balls with Clark. Bring Conner, with prearranged wish. When find all seven suggest to Clark that we give Conner the wish. Grant wish. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Was unable to find three-star ball. Mercy said she hid it underwater. Apparently dragon balls were less waterproof than originally supposed.

 

 **Additional Notes:** MM is extremely reasonable for Justice Leaguer. Also has addiction to Oreo cookies. Consider dipping into Mercy’s stash and bribing MM if ever need favor from non-Clark member of JL.


	14. Plan P: Ouran HSHC

**Plan P**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Ouran High School Host Club_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Find four other attractive and non-offensive men and convince Mercy to dress like a guy. Together with them and Clark form a host club. Bond through a series of weird themes, random trips and wacky hijinks. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Clark categorically refused to participate, citing that Lois would object. Had managed to suppress the memory of his engagement to Lois Lane. Additionally, he pointed out that I’d probably just end up attracting a homicidal stalker.

 

 **Additional Notes:** In retrospect was a bad plan anyway. Host club would serve as bad example for Conner, and don’t want anyone homicidal near Lara. Keep idea of hijinks in mind for future plans. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lara comes from [josephina_x](http://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/pseuds/josephina_x)'s [AU fanfic series of this fanfic](http://archiveofourown.org/series/24797) (it's like fanfic-ception!). While I highly recommend you read her story, cause it's awesome, the short version is (spoilers) Lex and Mercy took some Blue K, jumped Clark, and managed to sneak off with a piece of his hair. Lex then used the DNA combine with his own to make a five year old little girl... so they could reenact The Incredibles. Ah, Lex.


	15. Plan Q: Powerpuff Girls

**Plan Q**

 

**Inspiration:** _Powerpuff Girls_ _  
_

 

 **Basic Procedure:**  Create powersuit to give self super strength, flight, and increased toughness (ideally invulnerability, but not necessary). Find a giant monster. If one can't be found, create one. Set loose on Metropolis; ensure that people are not in a position to get hurt. Work with Clark to take down monster. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Test runs with suit proved insufficient to keep up during actual monster fight; Clark dispatched monster by self. Additionally, Clark was upset by collateral damage caused by monster. Assurances that I would pay to fix were "appreciated, but kinda missing the point."

 

 **Additional Notes:** Powersuit, despite lack of practice, was functional even beyond original estimations. Consider usage to help Conner and Lara train powers, as well as possible incorporation in future plans (and in BaGD and BaGF planbooks).


	16. Plan R: Diego

**Plan R**

 

**Inspiration:** _Go, Diego, Go!_

 

**Basic Procedure:** Create a ~~backpack~~ rescue pack that can transform into different modes of transportation. Find excuse to go to the Amazon (need to test effectiveness of rescue pack?). Capture jaguar cub, have Mercy put it in perilous situation. Call Clark for help. Rescue cub together; use rescue pack at some point. Secure friendship.

 

**Status:** Failure

 

**Reason for Failure:** Clark figured out that baby jaguar’s peril was engineered; flew to cub and saved it by self. Was accused of backsliding with regards to harming wildlife: see Plan D.

                                                                                                                                

**Additional Notes:** Plans U, Alpha, Lambda, and 6 to be preemptively considered failures due to potential for animal cruelty. Consider marketing combination rescue pack/inflatable raft. Jungle animals not nearly as cute or friendly as show would imply; look into possible infections caused by jaguar scratch.


	17. Plan S: The Guild

**Plan S**

 

**Inspiration:** _The Guild_

 

**Basic Procedure:** Pick an MMORPG to play; must have guilds. World of Warcraft preferable, but MapleStory possible alternative due to Lara-friendly graphics. (Also consider that some MMORPG charge subscription fees, while others don’t; may influence Clark’s willingness to play.) Start playing game, convince Clark to pick it up as well. Find a group of people in-game who are weird/crazy without being unduly annoying. Form a guild. DO guild-type things while also discussing real world life problems. Secure friendship.

 

**Status:** Failure

 

**Reason for Failure:** Did _not_ excel at the game as expected. Could possibly even be considered bad at it. Attempts at playing different games were meet with equal lack of results. Conner’s attempts to help were appreciated; his laughter was not.

 

**Additional Notes:** People online are cruel. Hunt down “lex_luthor_sux07” and extract vengeance. Alternatively, just hack into his account and delete character. 


	18. Plan T: Inu-Yasha

**Plan T**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Inu-Yasha, a Feudal Fairy Tale_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Find magical time-traveling well. If one cannot be found, invent time machine and make one. Travel with Clark back to the past when magical beings still freely roamed the globe. Find a magic relic. Make Clark “accidently” break relic. Offer to help him on his quest to repair relic; if he is reluctant, point out that he broke it and it’s therefore his job to fix it. Go on epic journey to recover the pieces, fighting demons/evil magical being along the way. Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Failure

 

 **Reason for Failure:** Time machine was surprisingly easy to invent. Unfortunately, when in final preparation for the maiden voyage, H. G. Wells came from the future in _his_ time machine to make dire predictions about what happens when _I_ mess with the timeline. He then convinced Clark to destroy my time machine “for the good of the future.”

 

 **Additional Notes:** Clark apologized for destroying the time machine. Marks the first incident of Clark expressing remorse for breaking my things; likely a good sign. H. G. Wells is a hypocrite. Tempus, a stow-away from the future, seems like a cool guy. The bit with the glasses is hysterical. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay, it's a double (triple?) crossover! Those ones are definitely more fun :)


	19. Plan U: Pokemon

**Plan U**

 

 **Inspiration:** _Pok_ _émon_

 

 **Basic Procedure:** Use combination of selective breeding and genetic modification to create super-powered animals. Train the animals to compete against other in a fighting capacity. Set them free. Start contest based around catching animals and challenging others to battles. Go on epic journey with Clark to “catch ‘em all!” Secure friendship.

 

 **Status:** Cancelled; deemed Failure

 

 **Reason for Cancellation/Failure:** Too much potential for animal cruelty; see additional notes: Plan R

 

 **Additional Notes:** In retrospect, breeding real life dragons, electric mice, giant sentient bombs, etc. not the best idea anyway. Also, attempts to create Celebi and Dialga might have brought that bastard H. G. Wells sniffing around again; see Plan T.


	20. Plan V: Community

**Plan V**

 

**Inspiration:** _Community_

 

**Basic Procedure:** Find an acceptable community college. Enroll, convince Clark to enroll as well. Take at least one class together. Form a study group with a few other members of the class of varying ages/personalities/neuroses. Study/get into wacky hijinks together. Secure friendship.

 

**Status:** Failure

 

**Reason for Failure:** Clark liked idea of getting a degree finally, but apparently community colleges don’t offer any sort of graduate programs. Additionally, was told by Clark that even if we did go to the same school, and undergrad Journalism major and Bio-chemistry graduate student were unlikely to have any classes together.

 

**Additional Notes:** Look into grad programs for bio-chemistry at a standard four year-college.Lois also signed up for classes at the community college. Apparently neither member of _The Daily_ _Planet_ ’s star reporting team has a college degree. Explore possibility of subscribing to other newspapers.


	21. Plan W: FMA

**Plan W**

 

**Inspiration:** _Fullmetal Alchemist_

 

**Basic Procedure:** Pick a “loved one” to bring back from the dead. With Clark, use science practically indistinguishable from magic to try to bring him/her back to life. Fail; skip the part involving turning into a suit of armor/getting prosthetic limbs. Go on epic journey to find artifact capable of bending the laws of science (no magic). End up saving the country from psychopathic madman who wants to kill everyone in order to make said artifact. Secure friendship.

 

**Status:** Failure

 

**Reason for Failure:** Clark categorically refused to attempt to bring anyone back from the dead, citing that trying to bring people back to life only gets people killed. Numerous counter-examples were met with the rebuttal that the revived person was “only mostly dead.”

 

**Additional Notes:** Jonathan Kent would be a good choice to bring back from dead, if only to rub having saved his life _again_ in his face. Jor-El, when confronted about mysterious life-force balance, admitted there was no such thing in regards to Kryptonian technology, and was a lie to attempt to make Clark feel guilty the next time someone close to him died, so Clark would be more careful about getting himself killed in the future. Cannot decide if this is asshole-ish or genius. 


	22. Plan X: Grimm

**Plan X**

 

**Inspiration:** _Grimm_

 

**Basic Procedure:**  Be falsely accused of committing a crime by Clark. Ideally the crime/criminal should be supernatural/other-worldly in nature. Prove innocence. Use privileged knowledge to help Clark find the true perpetrator. Continue to solve supernatural/other-worldly crimes. Secure friendship.

 

**Status:** Failure/Cancelled

 

**Reason for Failure/Cancellation:** Review of past interactions with Clark proved that many, especially since Superman’s emergence, started very similarly; they just developed differently. Apparently the correct response when someone accuses you of something based solely on your heritage is NOT to hold a grudge, but instead forgive them and generally be as helpful to their future endeavors as possible.

 

**Additional Notes:** Obviously should have been looking into this earlier; could have saved a lot of time and effort this way.


	23. Plan Y: Seventeen Again

**Plan Y**

 

**Inspiration:** _Seventeen Again_

 

**Basic Procedure:**  Create a machine to reverse aging. Use to restore self to seventeen years old. Get wig to disguise identity. Ingratiate self with Clark (and Conner). Use as opportunity to gain new perspective on each other. Secure friendship.

 

**Status:** Failure

 

**Reason for Failure:** @*%&ing H. G. Wells

 

**Additional Notes:** “Borrow” Clark’s Legion ring and research in the future. Am suspicious that H. G. Well’s claims of being “time police” and that reversing aging interferes with the time stream just like time travel and therefore under his jurisdiction are total bs.


	24. Plan Z: The Office

**Plan Z**

 

**Inspiration:** _The Office_

 

**Basic Procedure:**  Buy out the _Planet_. Show up frequently during the day. Avoid being a weird boss like Michael Scott; would be bad for reputation. Bond with Clark over workplace hijinks and zany coworkers. Secure friendship.

 

**Status:** Failure

 

**Reason for Failure:** Despite Lois’s constant ability to get into all kinds of ridiculous situations, the _Planet_ has a shortage of zany coworkers and workplace hijinks. Security footage from when not around proves that presence of their boss was not significantly altering their behavior and, in general, the _Planet_ is a reasonably professional workplace.

 

**Additional Notes:** Perry has developed an obsession with Elvis bordering on the fanatical. Find a way to use this.

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Family Outings of the Being A Good Family plans (Unabridged Log)](https://archiveofourown.org/works/493330) by [josephina_x](https://archiveofourown.org/users/josephina_x/pseuds/josephina_x)




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